She had a hard-on, she had a muscle out of place It looked peculiar, occupying an unlikely space She saw a doctor and he cut her wide When he saw inside he nearly died She had a sister; she had a sibling in her groin A small relation with whom she didn't know she'd joined This was a problem 'cause she'd always been The queen of hearts, a spoiled only child She called her Shirley; she dressed her in the finest clothes But she was wracked with pain 'cause Shirley had a cuter nose She saw a doctor and he cut the lump and smoothed the lump To make her look much better from the side But things are never quite that simple They change and stay the same and fade away Her husband left her; he didn't like her nose at all And she blamed Shirley -- smashed her tiny head against the wall The judge and jury, oh they watched her as she cried Threw her inside and tossed away the key But things are never quite that simple They change and stay the same and fade away Fifteen years later they let her out for being good She made a fortune carving little figures made from wood They all were Shirley but they all were still and cold She made and sold them till the day she died