Heal Your Soul

歌詞

My downstairs neighbor a cheery well meaning busybody of a woman stops me in the elevator one day and asks me what is my email address? I ask her why do you want to know? You can talk to me the old fashioned way face to face but she says she has something very special to send me via email so against my better judgment I give her my email address and the next day when I wake up I turn on my computer and what do I see? in my email box something called Chicken Soup For The Soul my downstairs cheery well meaning busybody of a neighbor signed me up for a free lifetime subscription to Chicken Soup For The Soul Every day you get to read a new heartwarming story true stories written by real people from all walks of life some stories have a O. Henry type of ending where a special lesson is learned or a long-standing hurt is mended or a particular obstacle is overcome Chicken Soup For The Soul's motto is 'changing the world one story at a time' I read them every day sitting at my computer drinking my coffee listening to the birds chirping in the trees outside my window these sweet sweet stories make me smile sometimes they choke me up they make me think my life isn't so bad compared to the troubles others have to endure Then my work takes me travelling for a month and when I come back what do I see? an entire email box clogged to the rafters with many many heartwarming stories from Chicken Soup for the Soul I don't have time to read them but I want to read them so I click on 'save' but then have no time and eventually I end up deleting them, unread. I feel guilty. Pretty soon, the guilt mixed with the no time thing makes me realize these chicken soup stories have become a cyberspace nuisance. I once appreciated this little bit of sunshine in my email box every day but now I get a bit riled up when they greet me every time I turn my computer on. I run into my downstairs cheery well-meaning busybody of a neighbor and she asks me if I love reading the chicken soup stories as much as she does and I lie and say oh my yes because I don't want her to think I am a cold-hearted uncaring selfish bitch so now I feel guilty for not reading them and for lying about it Next day I scroll down to the bottom of that day's particularly heartwarming story about a puppy and chipmunk who become best friends the moral being yes, world peace is possible Yes we can all get along and not eat each other but enough's enough, so I follow the directions to 'unsubscribe to Chicken Soup for the Soul,' I do everything as I am told, to the letter. But the next day when I wake up and turn on my computer what do I see? A brand new story from "Chicken Soup for the Soul" about a father of 8, in desperate need of a car who accidentally dials the phone number of a rich old geezer on his death bed from a weird blood disorder who has a Mercedes Benz and no known relatives to leave it to. So I 'unsubscribe' again, but then the next day there's fresh chicken soup for the soul in my email box. So I write a letter to the webmaster of "Chicken Soup For the Soul" asking that I be taken off the list. Not only do I get no response, I keep getting "Chicken Soup for the Soul" stories. More heartwarming stories. People tell me I should never have written that letter to the webmaster They love to get letters like that. It's proof that you are receiving their email, reading their advertising making you an even more valuable name on their mailing list a name they will sell to others, assuring more unwanted email for the rest of your life. But then I remember -- I am a member of America Online I can block email from a specific sender -- I follow those directions to a T, but the next day what do I see when I turn on my computer? Yes, more Chicken Soup for the Soul. Plus information on how to subscribe to "Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul." I email them back: There is no teenager in my soul there is no teenager in my house Stop sending me this email! I don't have time to read it! Your stories are heartwarming but my heart has been warmed to the point that I have literary heartburn! Please! Stop! No answer. Eventually, even though the world political situation grows bleaker and bleaker what bugs me first and foremost is seeing the unwanted Chicken Soup for the Soul every day in email box I can't stand it! I don't want it! I get the shivers in the supermarket when I'm in the chicken soup aisle I get the shakes in the music store when I'm in the Soul aisle I contemplate changing my email address completely but that would inconvenience a lot of people so in a fit of rage on a particularly nasty morning I smack my computer monitor so hard it falls out the window. Unbeknownst to me, below my window on the street a horrible crime is in progress A very bad man named Lefty is robbing a poor pitiful orphan named Hope of all her worldly possessions she was running away from the convent orphanage where she was so unhappily held against her will for all those years and now here she is, being robbed by a very very bad man My computer monitor hits Lefty in the head doesn't kill him but knocks him out cold and opens a horrible gash in his scalp. My downstairs cheery well-meaning busybody of a neighbor witnesses all of this and calls the police runs outside, does mouth to mouth on Lefty accompanies him to the hospital in the ambulance At the hospital Lefty needs a transfusion turns out he has a weird blood type and DNA tests prove that Lefty is the long-lost ne-er-do-well father of the poor pitiful orphan Hope he was robbing AND the son of the rich old geezer who was still on his deathbed after giving away his Mercedes Benz to that desperate father of eight who turned out to be Lefty's twin brother who was kidnapped at birth and raised by a pack of Right Wing religious fanatics in Texas til he escaped and regained sanity working in the Cirque du Soleil as a contortionist up in Canada up in Canada up in Canada Well Lefty apologized to Hope for trying to rob her and Hope's donated blood not only saves her long-lost daddy Lefty, it also saves Lefty's long-lost father the rich old geezer with the Mercedes Benz who's going to live! (and whose puppy and chipmunk just gave birth to a litter of 8 pupchips, praise the Lord) they are all reunited are now in family counseling with Dr. Phil where they are making tremendous progress How do I know this? It was in today's edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul that appeared in my email box this morning The story was sent in by my downstairs cheery well-meaning bride-to-be of a neighbor, yes, Lefty's fiance and soon-to-be adopted mother of the no-longer poor pitiful orphan named Hope I'm sorry I'm getting all choked up I can't wait to see what email I'll get tomorrow from Chicken Soup for the Soul